Friday, October 26, 2012

Here we go again

We're heading into the busy time again. Hopefully this time will be different but it is hard to know where the time goes and harder to know where to find the money. Just spend way too much on something but you can't find it in Canada so you have to pay three times what it is worth to order it from the States. Not sure exactly what they mean by 'free trade' when they try to skin you alive every chance they get just to get it over the border. ... isn't so much the governments as it is the couriers. I sort of wish I it was even half practical to go drive to Texas and get it myself.

... argh I never know how this thing is humanly possible but it comes out each time so we'll see if we can pull another rabbit out.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Bullies need victims and I am nobody's victim



As a child I never got bullied. I got teased, tormented and ostracized. Large groups of kids would surround me and pick on me and tell me that they would kick the crap out of me after school. Once, a girl in my class opened to door to the change room while I was half naked so that the boys could see me. Another time this girl who supposedly had a part-time job as a wrestler followed me to the bus as I went home and smacked me on the head as I got on.

For years some guy used to crank call my house whenever I got home and say obscene things to me. We thought he must have known me because when I wasn’t home he wouldn’t call. Then there were rumors about guys from my school who had been arrested because they had gotten caught stealing or something like that and the calls stopped. When they came back, so did the calls.

I didn’t go to dances or have anybody to talk to at lunch except for one or two close friends who were quick to turn their backs on me when they realized that it was causing damage to their reputations to hang around with me. Some days it was really hard being alone. Usually I just threw my head in a book and read, read, read. Not to escape but for something to do.

I joined clubs at school but everybody seemed to belong and I never really did. I didn’t know what it was like to go to parties or experience that dreaded peer pressure. I watched a lot of TV and Nancy Reagan kept telling kids to say no to drugs and there were all kinds of warnings about condoms and so on. I kept waiting to put those teachings into practice but there were never any opportunities. It’s not that I was an overly good kid. It’s just that nobody bothered.

Then I started to feel like there was something wrong with me. Everybody had boyfriends and went out on dates and the one guy I met at art camp at 12, going on 13, went to school in Ottawa. Technically he was my boyfriend but even though we never broke up we never saw each other and I can’t remember more than two or three letters. We did go out once or twice when he came back but it was really nothing worth remembering. All I remember the first time he insisted on kissing me was saying “great, now that we have gotten that out of the way, can we get on with the rest of the relationship” and him laughing like I was a silly little girl and saying that no, we were supposed to keep kissing. He was 16 and back then seemed so much older.

Truth be told, I never felt all that attracted to anybody in any sort of sexual way until my early 20s but felt like I should have been because everybody else seemed to be. So I did stuff that I shouldn’t have because I was trying to be normal and wanted to do more than fit in. I wanted to be the kind of cool that didn’t care. Inside I called myself a whore and kept waiting for somebody else to call me that but nobody ever did. 

According to everybody else I always got the hottest, coolest guy in school but I never noticed that. As soon as I would end up in a relationship I would try to make it THE relationship, knowing that it wasn’t. I tried to play house because I wanted things to be normal. But I always knew they weren’t.

Have I ever been in love? Absolutely! I fell in love completely when I picked up my baby girl and she, still and infant, patted my back as I hugged her. That was the first time I felt anything close to the sort of zing that you hear about and read about and see in movies. 

But have I ever been bullied? Where I come from you don’t get bullied. You get persecuted. My people have been hated for years and the whole world is usually trying to get us. We are fighters and each time the mob of she-women descended on me in the school halls and outside, I fought back. I never just took it. One time I looked up and actually saw a teacher full body on top of one of them holding her off to try and break up the fight. 

Sure my knees shook but they shook after. They still shake after. But during a fight, I fight. I fight with fists and feet and knees and words. Sometimes I fight thin air because of fear and pure adrenaline and then I get in trouble. Because now I am fighting nobody or people who don’t deserve it.  I’m still going. Liking the Engergizer Bunny I’m still going. 

Then I crumble. This morning I woke up at 2 a.m. because I dreamt that my house was on fire. We weren’t in our actual house but it felt like some sort of home of mine, one that was new to me but mine, almost like the way you feel when you go stay at your parents place after you have already settled into a family of your own. My husband was in a room and he had that guilty look on his face that he has when he comes in after a shmig. He never smokes inside but I smelled smoke and asked him if he started smoking inside now and we had a little moment. I pinched his nose and was about to ruffle his hair and kiss him but looked up and saw smoke coming through the ceiling. We freaked and he ran to take care of it. I ran to get my stacks of papers and computer. 

It’s not that I didn’t care about the kids. I just knew we had time and that they would be safe but the papers I had to protect: our passports; our identity; then my taxes and all the business stuff, and then my laptop and camera. I could smell the smoke. I didn’t think you could smell smoke in a dream. I woke up and knew it was a dream, only peripherally double checking there was no actual smoke anywhere.

In the dream I remember starting to feel like I’m choking so I dropped everything and went looking for the kids. It felt good to drop everything and not care about anything except for the kids. It always feels good to do that.

Right away I google the meaning of a house burning down in your dream and guess what I get: it means that I feel like my external world is crumbling. How true. For the first time in my life, I had found a home to call a home. Everything felt right and now it doesn’t. Everything I was doing was for something and now that something has been taken away and I’m stuck with all the stuff I was doing and in the mean time there are people out there who think I care. I don’t care but now I am obligated.

So now I am angry. I need a way out and a way to escape and it feels like the world is burning down in a way that it never has before and do you know why? Because of all the things that somebody could say to me to hurt me there is really only one little phrase that I can’t seem to let go: nobody likes you. You are unprofessional and nobody wants to deal with you anymore. 

Three people have said this to me lately. Why? I know their reasons and who (or what) they are. I know that they are doing this to try and intimidate me and to control me and because they know they can’t. I know. But I still feel raw. I hate them for making me feel this way and the stress, at my age, is showing my age. It is coming out in physical manifestations and for that I hate them more. Because then I get scared. I get scared that I won’t be there for people who do matter; who do care; WHO DO LIKE ME.

But my, this is a personal letter to be posting in such a public forum and let me tell you why: because I am not a victim of bullying. Bullies need victims like fire needs oxygen. I am not a victim. I am your nemesis. Now, you go worry about me because I will not let my world go down in smoke.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Sometimes I feel like crying

It's been a while
I have something to say
Sometimes I feel like crying

Apologize, move on, keep doing
But nothing feels quite right

I feel so trapped
So indisposed

So used and trampled and abused

It's my own fault
The blame is mine
I don't know how to stop

The spiral is unwinding

Today was hard because I'm scared
Nobody cares what stress
Has done to my imagination

The more I try
The more I die
Inside and on the outside

I feel like all the fates conspired to give and then to take
Away from me the talents they
Instilled and then distilled from me

In the grand scheme
Of life and being
I know that all good

But my small fragile mind and ego
Have more than they can handle

For all my life I have been there
Inside and on the outskirts

Watching the friends and actors play
The strings of social interaction

They make it look so easy
Smooth

I think there's something wrong

Inside my head
The music plays
But not to anybody else's strings

My nerves are tattered
Frayed and snapped

I don't know if its over

The problem is that haters yell
And lovers watch from sidelines
So should I vanish
Dig a hole
Stick all of me inside

And then the more
Obsession strives
To choke my breath from me
Of little babes who truly need
What I am not delivering

It's time I stop
But I can't stop

I need to cry
I think

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Social media etiquette

Social media users are a bit of a delicate lot. On the one hand they love it because it allows them to stay in touch and share of themselves, their thoughts, their hopes, their dreams, their annoyances. On the other, they demand a hands-off approach.

If you comment it has to be a maximum of four words, and that's a stretch and should stay within the lines of:

:)
:(
LOL
OMG, LMAOF
I can't stop laughing
So true

... and so on. It really isn't a medium for any sort of true interaction even if you know the people, and used to consider them friends. Plus, you can't see their reaction and they can't see the spirit in which you wrote whatever it was that you posted.

The result is this detached society that is oppressed by self-imposed isolation. All these screens behind which we hide are creating a void and you are not allowed to cross it because it is not socially acceptable. Period.

And it's addictive. Such a time waster but once you get sucked in you can't loosen its grip. It's like a lover with an axe to grind. There is the real interaction: between user and machine, even if the machine is the length of a pointer finger and pointer finger.

I have to ask, is it too late? Are we permanently disjointed? Or am I only now waking up to the fine art of social interaction and it has always been this way? After all, nobody really cared how your day was even before the handheld and now nobody asks because presumably, they are always in touch.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Madonna rocks

I never used to realize how tiny Madonna is. But I always admired her. She isn't particularly talented at music, or dancing, or acting but she knows how to put on a show and she is a brilliant business woman.

She's tiny but packs a mean punch and if I could even master a portion of her talent, as lacking as it is, I'd still be better off.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

A deep, deep, hole

This is the month of love, not because of Valentine's day. For other reasons. I still think he's great but he has his doubts.

I don't blame him. It's been a tough go. There's this hole I got myself into and sometimes I want out also. At least I want help.

I'm tired and guilty and frustrated and tired.

I look around and it isn't where it should be and everything is in the wrong place, piled high about itself. There doesn't seem to be an end or a way to dig my way out. Only a final end to fear and not care about.

I can understand the wanting. Hoping there is something "on the other side". The other side of what? Of existence? Of course it is ridiculous to assume there is anything other than this. But there is a hope that drives so many people and it is infectious and maybe even a bit necessary.

After all, there would be a whole lot of people that would become paralyzed with lack of motivation to function if they really knew that the only thing waiting for them after death is nothingness. A complete and utter lack of being, including themselves.

That fear and longing and ego all goes 'poof' like a smoke. Poof.

Is there maybe a vapour? Like when you put out a candle and then there is that trail of smoke and that smell that lasts a little while until it is adequately diffused into the surrounding atmosphere? Probably. But that's all it is. A remnant of something that was. It can't hurt or want or do or create. It is dissipating and perfectly devoted to the act of becoming unthere.

You have to go on and argue and fight and be because we as a group have come up with distractions as we wait for nothing to arrive. We have to want to care because life will exist until it stops and we aren't the ones to decide if it does. But when it does, it will just ... not be ...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

What if its close?

Maybe this is the end, all down hill from here? What if it's something more than a bad headache? What happens if I can't follow through on all the promises?

What if?

And what if not? Can't stop and paralyzed with wonder.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

It isn't my problem

I'll tell you what is and isn't my problem.

My problem is what prevents me from being where I am to where I want to be. If, on occasion, that involves me caring about somebody and needing to help them (even strangers) I may pause on my path and adjust what to do first. This is my personal choice.

It is not my problem if somebody else can't find a ride to my wedding... unless it is my to be husband, parents or minister. It is not my problem if some over protective parent decides to sign their kids up for way too many after school activities and wants to but can't fit in something I am offering. It is not my problem if the world going to come to an end when you think it might or might not and does or does not take everybody but you.

This is, yet again, one of those obviously ridiculous and completely inane statements that you never even thought you would find yourself re-reading more than less than once. But there it is, and still relevant because of the moment in which you find yourself.

What is more, 'the end is nigh' is somehow translated in the eyes of believers to 'the end of times'. Once again, let us define what is god and the end of exactly what. Time will not end as it is a completely abstract concept that carries with it some sort of finite hint of a beginning and therefore an end... relatively speaking. But relative to what? This is the question. It comes back to the idea that we are the supreme beings. That humans are the center of the universe and all revolves around us.

This concept flies in the face of so much actual physical proof to the contrary that it is not worth even perpetuating this myth. Oh, but except there are enough people to believe it that we keep bringing it back again and again, perpetuating the greatest lie of all time.

Let us regroup now. How ultimately significant is it to know if we are the product of a divine spirit and therefore the most important of gods creatures? As a life form onto its own it is our individual responsibility to ensure the continuation of the species. It is the role of any and all life forms to try and perpetuate its own existence. Same goes for the amoebae, same goes for that snail that wants to cross a busy highway, same goes for me, same goes for avid church goers and, same goes for martyrs. The idea is that when you die you have to die for something or it was a waste of a life.

Life is sacred. This is not a problem, it is an obligation and a universal truth.

My problem is not that some people feel that they have the right to debate the validity of others' right exist.

My problem does not even begin until they either tolerate, encourage, or perpetrate judgement on entire groups of people simply based on their gender, race, religious convictions, or nationality.

Ultimately, it is a contradiction of the human prime directive to assume that any man or woman is so enlightened that they can, without a doubt, relay and act upon the will of god by taking away what was not given by or of them.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Wow in the face of her

Went and had a coffee date with my favourite man today. Sat at a cafe and watched him devour a chocolate cheesecake as I pondered how to approach the article for the next issue SouthFields Village Voice.

The title is 'The end is nigh, hide your women' and really is about the rebirth of the divine feminine.

By all accounts something big is coming down the pipe. Strange things are happening that people are unable to explain, and with ever increasing urgency. Still, it does not mean that human life is about to be obliterated.

So, I say to this lady in the cafe: pardon me (she was reading so I figured she was an 'intellectual' of sorts). But, how many women profiled in one magazine is too many. I explained why the question and her response was: god help us if that is the case. Women were not meant to rule. We are good at many things but holding positions of power over men is not one of them.

I was struck at this thought. She went on to elucidate that men are our protectors and it is not our role to dominate. We are best in their servitude. I had to check my long calendar on my watch to find out what century we were living in.

I am not a militant feminist by any means but it is not about subjugation. For sure there are followers and leaders but true feminism is not about that. It is about being treated as a human first and not being prevented to be regarded as such simply because of your gender. It is not about pigeon holing yourself into a predefined role because we are the weaker sex.

I said to her: look at Sparta. It was the women who kept things running. In every culture when men go off to hunt women are left to defend the homestead, nurture, and care for the young. Never mind childbirth, etc. Her response: oh, I don't believe that. Men are off doing what men do and women are protected by god.

... huh? At best, is she saying that men are in no need or are simply not protected by god (by her own logic).

I smiled, said thank you and walked away.

But is this my audience or is this what the great flood was meant to wash away as it renews the earth for another few thousand decades?

In the course of our dialogue she said: the end is coming, that's for sure. But it won't be this December. It is up to god to decide when the end of times will come. ... in other words, not in my backyard, and I am going the heaven anyway... don't know about you my heathen.

Okay, I'm still writing about the divine feminine. I trust that some people don't share her opinion out there and those that do are free to disagree.

cyclical abandon

The world is a living organism that is continually cycling through rebirth, growth, mass destruction, and reinvention. Life forms rise and fall due to cataclysmic events.

Major innovations, discoveries and advancements are lost forever and changes are not always for the better.

People, individually, are insignificant and it is questionable how integral a life form may be in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps the only reason we have the ability to reason and create is to create a reason to continue existing until such time as we will not, as a race.

It is a natural function of any life form to perpetuate its own survival and as humans are the weakest of all living things, our ability to reason is the only thing that enables us to survive. This means that as a natural consequence we have the ability to decide, collectively that there is no point at all.

Going back to the idea of rebirth and recreation, and marrying it with the notion that we need to have something greater than ourselves to believe in, we create the notion of divinity.

Long, long ago humans devised the theory of a single divine creator. As long as ancient logic can determine, it was a single earth mother type of deal that birthed all existence out of a void, often depicted as her womb. Matricentric (a word that spell check wants to reject, and with little wonder) society was strong in many ways but not equipped to withstand force. Their sole military arm was in the form of the Amazons and there is question as to whether or not they were what they are professed to be anyway.

When greed and thirst for power arose the female communal norms could not stand up against the rise of a patriarchal, war-based system of power. To cement its dominance, the first order of business was to destroy what they could and to vilify and subjugate what they could not obliterate.

Naturally, to remove the woman from a role of strength and leadership it was necessary to destroy her. The idea of the Goddess was intolerable. The Greeks could not erase all traces of her from power so they change the order of existence. They re-wrote history, transforming the more powerful ones, like Hera into evil, jealous shrews and others into weak, proud,and vain creatures who lived for self-satisfaction.

Even amongst the male gods not all were equal. Struggle and strive, quest for supremacy became normal and divine.

But here is another theory. Perhaps the matriarchal pagan system was also predated by a monolithic, female centric one. There is no way to tell. It was too long ago. Still, there is ample evidence to suggest that the female deities who predate the Titans and Olympians where really splintered off from just one female form.

Is it not systemic of a patriarchal society to state that woman cannot be all things? She cannot be strong, just, nurturing, self-sufficient, wise, sensual, creative, determined, and engineering, all in one! For a patriarchal society to gain any sort of legitimacy they had to prove that no one woman could be strong enough to replace an army of men, nor that it took an army to replace her.

Though Zeus birthed without a female counterpart this never indicated that he could do without women. He, the greatest of all the gods, was lustful, jealous, and punitive. His female counterparts were all his weaker.

Some say that the dawn of a new era is at hand. They predict that the 2012 winter solstice will herald the rebirth of the divine feminine. Others cite a quickening of the planetary pulse as impetus for cataclysmic change that will reshape life as we know it. Many will not survive and we are powerless to change is, just as pre-Hellenic society could not stop the onslaught of change that would last tens of thousands of years. Just as the dinosaurs and 70% of aquatic life forms did not survive that massive meteoric assault. It is impossible to assume that change is not upon us. But what is there to do about it?

Only one thing. You cannot change what is not within your grasp. So do that. Grasp those you love and love them. Be grateful for every millisecond that you have with those whom you love and who love you unconditionally. That is all you have. Breathe them in and hold those moments in your minds' eyes. When you touch them - when they touch you, think only of them and forget everything else.

Do you believe in the power of positive energy? Forget all that. Live only in the power of that moment. That energy. That energy is the only thing that matters. It has no polarity. No gender. No self-awareness. It just is. It is life's force and the only thing that unites all living things as existing and the only legitimate reason to fight for anything.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Freyda Tartak is wonderful

I am. It's true. I'm awesome. I'm not overstating things. I've accomplished a lot these past few years and I'll accomplish even more in the next bunch.

Finally things are starting to settle down. Beyond the dust I see that all the little things I've done before really do make sense and I do have all the answers I need right here.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

illiteracy amongst us

Today I had a conversation with this guy who used the phrase 'speak your opinion'. I opined that this was not proper English and we got into a very awkward discussion of sorts. Now I don't know exactly why but I know I'm right. I wish somebody would help elucidate this conundrum.

maybe I'm wrong. I have been before. maybe I can't remember his exact wording. maybe I'm right.

he's still arrogant.

How Helium.com turned me into a writer

There are a many ways to get started in writing. I used to think it involved education and although I have some, it isn't in this field. So, I make mistakes. A lot of them.
But before Helium.com and Amazon's Create Space I did not think I would ever get published. I didn't think I could make a living at writing. Now I write. I write all the time and I get paid to do it.
I've written a book (Broken Axle Spinning Blind) that I am very proud of and I've sold articles through Helium. I also write for a local up and coming indy lifestyles magazine.
Life is good. I do think I have Helium to thank for it. It gave me the confidence to realize my dreams and with the new year upon us I can't think of a better time to give credit where credit is due.

For my loyal blog followers, thanks for reading. I did take a bit of break for a few months but will be more active this year.

I hope this year will be good to all of us but at the moment have nothing more to ask for.