Chaos

What do you do when you get stuck? The option to walk away is always there but, the nerve really isn't. I suppose people do. But, do I have enough guts to rend open a life just beginning? The opportunity to let her live in a false sense of stability or a broken home?

For me, it doesn't matter. No more children one way or another. If I wait, I'll be too old. If I stay, it won't happen either. Acceptance has always been an issue. To accept is to give up. I should give up. It would be easier.

Once in a while there are moments. Moments when it doesn't seem so hopeless. Moments when he acts like he cares. It's an act. She's too young to realize it. When she's older there will be time to part. From him. From this. Maybe a chance to find somebody who will care. Who will be happy when a presence is felt. Who will welcome it.

For now, he's trying to keep it together, for her. He's trying to coexist. I should, too. I guess.

For now, there is no rush. Just that my birthday is coming and it would be lovely if the man I'm with wanted to be with me. Wanted me. He doesn't. I know this. I've always known. Why did I let this happen?

And then, there are those that didn't let it happen. Stuck to their ideals. They're alone. Life went on. But, there would be no her. No touch of the hand nor leaning of the head. There would be nothing. This way there is something. Someone.

After all, the sacrifice is worth it. Even if he isn't.

Chaos will end. Peace will come. It has to.