August 13th

August 13th is the day it all changed for me. The day I had to start wondering what would happen if somebody I cared about died. I started planning about what I would do.

I was only four and the entire family was gathered to celebrate me and my dad's birthdays. Mine is on the 16th, his on the 15th. Dyedushka stood up to make a toast that he never got a chance to finish. Just as he was wishing us long life and good health he fell back on the sofa behind him, glass in hand and died. It was that quick.

Since then everything in my life had been framed around the eventuality and suddenness of death. It's given me an appreciation and insight. It's also prevented me from taking for granted. I always thought taking for granted was a bad thing. Now that I have a child, I'm not so sure. Taking for granted is good. It is the most pure way of absorbing the now. Within moderation, this is essential. Otherwise, what is the point? We all know what is going to happen. Don't we? So why do we have to worry quite so much about it happening?

My daughter takes for granted. My mother was always worried about me having an overinflated sense of ego. Two things happened. I'm really insecure and I have an overinflated defence mechanism.

I shouldn't blame my mom. I'm an adult. Not much is her fault anymore. Now, it's all on me. What I teach, how I live, what I decide.

At the same time, it's all on her. What she'll absorb and learn.

This is not a new thought. Children change you. They change everything. You know that feeling you get when blood starts to pour? That prickly, tingly, warm feeling and that warm smell? The wet sticky feeling when everything just stops for you and all you do is watch it spill? Helpless and devoid of anything? That feeling when you are completely in the moment? That's what having a kid is like. That's what it's like when they grab your hand or run at you or kiss you all on their own. That's what it's like the first time and the next time, and every time after that.

That is the purpose of life, and when death stops to matter.